Missing
Life wasn't the bed of roses it was supposed to be in Warsaw, Poland. Looking back, I got surprisingly miserable. Although, the perks were the fact that I was in Europe and the travel I experienced, general life itself was a farce. Everything you did on a daily basis was just to stay sane (I use that term loosely these days). The decisions we make in expat life are not the decisions we would make in our natural born surroundings. That statement isn't so true for those who are overseas fulfilling a purpose (military, job, greater cause, etc.) However, for the spouses of those who have a goal, a place to be each day, and a desire to be where they are, life can be kind of lonely and even scary.Of course, you never know what you'll miss until it's gone. Creature comforts we all have here in the states we really do take for granted. Simple, daily routines are a lot different elsewhere, and it takes awhile to get acclimated. Back then, when thinking about moving 6,000 miles away from home, my feelings were that I would definitely be okay without my family. My parents divorce had shattered any grand family ideals that I had had growing up, and no one was really speaking civilly to anyone else in those days. I could count on a couple of fingers the friends I had left since I had run off and gotten married, so that wasn't a concern for me either. I was excited about starting anew in a foriegn place.
In reality, I couldn't utilize all that could have been available to me because I had my 22 month old son to take care of. I had a responsibility to him, of course, so I wasn't going to lead a care free life style or anything. You can imagine how frightening it is at first when you have no transportation, no language skills, and you don't know a soul on the continent except for your husband who has to put in uncountable hours at the office.
Enter Paula.
The saying goes that some people are put on this earth to touch the life of another if only for a moment, but in that moment they change that person's life forever. That was Paula for me. Thankfully, I knew her for more than a moment, and the year and a half I was fortunate enough for her to be my friend I will cherish forever. Paula is so cool. Her mother is Irish and her father was Greek, and she was born in England but raised in Cyprus. Her absolutely awesome accent will forever be etched into my brain. And after nearly a year, I still think to myself, "How would Paula have phrased that?"
She taught me a lot about myself.
She called my flat out of the blue one evening when I didn't even know she knew my name. She was managing the office for a group of women in Warsaw who volunteered their time to find other English speaking expats and do charity work for the community. As I mentioned, although something like charity work is wonderful, I wouldn't have exactly sought out this sort of thing back home, but it was the thing to do in Warsaw. It was nearly the only source for wives to meet one another and find a way to not twiddle their thumbs day in and day out.
Back to the phone call. She had seen me when I had come around the office to check out this women's group thing, and in the meantime had had a conversation about me with Tammy, the wife of someone my husband worked with. See, after my arrival in Poland, I'd had to have an emergency gall bladder removal (whole other story), so I was a hot topic of conversation around the work place. When Tammy was describing what all had been happening to me in Warsaw, something clicked in Paula's head that some of the descriptions rather closely resembled things that happened to her in her life. And then upon watching me at the IWG office, I had reminded her of a younger version of herself.
Back to the phone call again (I digress a lot). Thank you Tammy for talking about me behind my back because after that conversation, Paula decided to "take me under her wing" and call to feel me out about helping her manage this international women's group office. Life wouldn't have been the same for me without that opportunity. From that task I was able to later become the newsletter editor for a group with the American Embassy. So, I thank her for opening those doors for me. I learned new things about my own creativity and talents while working with these organizations.
Paula never failed to call me each day while I lived in Warsaw. Whether this annoyed me or not an any given day, I was ultimately very grateful that someone cared enough and thought about me every single day. Paula took me places I would otherwise never have gotten to enjoy. She came and drug me out of bed when I was depressed and found me doctors and took me to my appointments. She would send flowers around to my house and seemed to make it her mission to build up my self worth. She cared about my family, and she was constantly mindful of us. All of this was during great hardships in her own life and three young children to take care of.
I often wondered (as is my nature) what I did to deserve this gift of a person. Why couldn't I give back to her as much as she gave to me? She would scoff at me when I mentioned that and tell me how I would never know how much I gave back to her. Although she was very popular among all the expats (again she is just that cool), I think she was a very lonely person. Throughout the year, our phone conversations often turned dark and she would tell me some god awful secret from her past. Some people you feel might tell you something "in secret", but they probably tell other people as well. But, I truely feel I might be the only person who knows some of the things she felt trusting enough to say to me through her tears. She did find a confidant in me, and I pride myself in that.
As she helped me pack boxes for my move back to the states, she commented on how there are some people you just know you won't ever hear from again no matter how close you got to them while living an expatriot life. I thought how odd that comment was. However, since moving back I was repeatedly e-mailing her, I sent a couple of packages, and I was calling the number I had for her each week for the first couple of months with not one single response. So, I took the hint and gave up (as is my nature as well).
I wonder what it means? Why were we only supposed to be friends in that situation of our lives? I know we had gotten to such a level as to basically being each other's therapists (as we often joked), and trivial daily life things weren't really a concern in conversation. So, would we really know how to simply e-mail about the current events of our lives?
I know we all surround ourselves by different people in life. Some people only see our silly side and some people only see our deep side. It seems rare that we show all our sides to any one person. I don't remember being silly with Paula too often. It was a serious time with serious situations over the course of time in Warsaw. I know she was there for me at the time in my life that I needed her.
I just miss her. For whatever the reason, when a person we love leaves us (or we leave them) we never stop loving them, we just have to learn how to live without them being around anymore. It's not easy. I probably won't ever get the answer to why we aren't in contact anymore, and I might not ever have the chance to know how she is doing. But, I am ever so grateful to her, and I am blessed with even knowing her at all.
