Midlife Crisis
I just looked up midlife crisis in the dictionary:A period of psychological doubt and anxiety that some people experience in middle age.
I love definitions. They define a term so well. Hehe.
I've been pretty consumed by this line of thinking for a couple/few months now. Seems since I will be turning 26 in about five days, my "doubt and anxiety" are taking on an even greater fervor.
This had been kicking around in my own head without anyone else's knowledge, and all of the sudden more and more people I know of (mainly who I read on-line) were bringing out these similar feelings. It doesn't seem to matter where a person is or what they have in their life, I'm seeing a certain ten year grey area of time for introspection.
My mom has recently told me that she had a period of "midlife crisis" at this very same point in life where I am. She brought it up, not me, so that added to the credibility of what she was saying since it was so coincidental. She told me that she had given birth to her two children, and apart from her family, she didn't have anything to show for herself. She said she had asked herself, "Is this it?" Man, that hit home.
Of course, don't get me wrong. My family is amazing and fulfilling and wonderful. My family is everything. Wouldn't trade them for anything. And yet, what about me? I have given and given, and I am afraid that I've given all of me away so that I don't know who I am anymore.
Right now I don't believe my family should define me as a whole. Who is the me who would have existed without them? Am I a worthwhile person of my own accord? What makes me happy? Sad? Intrigued? Not just what enjoyment or sorrow I get as a result of my husband's or my children's feelings. What do I want for the future when the kids are in school and the husband is at work, and I am left alone. Will I be afraid of myself? Is my life as I know it and the way I am now really it for me?
So, what can I do to make myself happy. I don't mean happy because the family is happy. I don't want to smile because they smile. Frown because they frown. I want the happiness to radiate from within myself. I'm waiting for that me to come out. I'm trying to find the real me so I will be a better person. For myself. And then my loved ones will be better for it as well.
I am a very nostalgic person. Although, I've figured out that my nostalgia is not for the way things were in my life before nor for people or places or events in my past. My nostalgia lies in how I was within myself at one time or another. I want to be happy with me, and there have been times in my life when I was happy [or at least ok] with me. So, how am I going to find that again?
I've been trying to be a bit more selfish with time for myself. Getting away from routine stress and figuring me out and all. As of late, I had come to the conclusion that I am a very impressionable person, and that bothers the hell out of me. I kind of think I know why this is. It goes back to my initial numb reaction to anything that occurs around me. I go numb, people around me react, they know immediately how they feel, and I am peppered by these people's thoughts and feelings before I am able to formulate my own opinion and emotion.
This can really be a bummer. I might see their side of things at the time and agree. Then my own adrenaline finally kicks in and, lo and behold, I actually have my own head on my shoulders. So, I have adopted this habit of always initially playing devil's advocate to anyone who has an opinion to impart to me. That way I can agree to disagree and then create my own untainted view on things. As a result, I am getting into more arguments now than I ever have in my entire life. Was I that much of a doormat?
I think I have digressed a bit.
So then, I suppose in putting my own opinions on the back burner for so long in an effort to cease and desist any turmoil or confrontation in life, I have failed to figure out who I am. I guess better late than never. I do like to understand and empathize will all sides, and yet I don't want to be walked over by people too much anymore either. I'll have to find a balance.
I dare say all of this could define a midlife crisis, couldn't it?
Oh yeah, I've also been repeatedly dreaming that I got a tattoo, and I really want a Mazda RX7. That's crazy to me because I've always been a truck/SUV kind of chick. These definitely qualify as midlife crisis yearnings.
Five days and counting. I won't be 25 and under anymore. I will be in the ranks of over 25.
I know. I'm not too sane.
