The K Spot: June 2004

$$$

I just suddenly recalled a memory from my childhood:

I used to swallow coins a lot as a child and jump up and down to try and see if they would jingle in my belly.

Is that weird?

Fear Of Fear Itself

My few freaky fears of which I can't seem to shake off thoughts:

1) The Shower Scene: I am obsessively fearful of closing my eyes to rinse my hair and when I reopen them someone could be standing there.

2) Dashboard Confessionals: I am obsessively fearful of innocently driving down the road and a foreign object out of nowhere smacking my windshield shattering it to pieces at my face.

3) Sweet Dreams: I am obsessively fearful of hanging my foot off the bed in my sleep and something rearing up and biting it off. (Thanks, Dad, for watching horror flicks in front of me as a small child.)

Waiting

Recently, I took a book quiz linked on someone's blog. I know it was supposed to be for fun so to speak, but I took it a little more to heart than that [so sue me].

Disheartened is a good word for how it struck me at first. I was like, "Wow. This is a little too coincidental with the facts of my life right now." I like to take stock in silly little things such as this book quiz thing. Maybe it's the romantic in me. Maybe I truly believe in fate.

So, here is the book I am:

WAITING FOR GODOT
A tragicomedy in two acts. "...one of the most noble and moving plays of our generation, a threnody of hope deceived and deferred but never extinguished; a play suffused with tenderness for the whole human perplexity; with phrases that come like a sharp stab of beauty and pain."

You're Waiting for Godot! by Samuel Beckett
Many people think you're extremely dull, but you're just trying to be patient. Really patient. Patient to the point of absurdity, quite frankly. Whatever you're waiting for isn't going to just come along, so you can stop waiting. I promise. Move on with your life. Change of scenery might do you good. Heck, any scenery might do you good. In the meantime, you do make for very interesting conversation.

Gee. That's a little harsh, eh? Now you can see why I was a little disheartened. Whatever in life I am waiting for, well, I can just stop waiting because it isn't going to come along. Man.

Yeah, I went and bought the book [you can sue me again for that one]. I just finished, and I did find it interesting. And the one-liners throughout were brilliant and introspective. [I'm still big on one-liners.]

So why do I wait? And wait some more? And then more with the waiting? It's true. I don't seize the day. Carpe diem - HA! I laugh in the face of it. Whatever project is going on with me, I know there will be a more convenient time and more reasonable circumstance for me to complete the tasks necessary to achieve my goal. Sometimes those circumstances manifest, of course, sometimes not.

Am I going to continue to wait for Godot? Now, that this flaw has been brought to the forefront of my attention - I guess we will see if I am content to settle in and continue to wait for him, if I am going to move on and give up waiting any longer, or if I am going to go beat down Godot's door and take him by the neck.

What book are you?
http://bluepyramid.org/ia/bquiz.htm

Simply A Poem

Crashing

waiting while the heart aches
what then when it breaks
there is he who hung the moon
the depth of her love will not end soon
is it to be? can't hold her breath
the longing inside leads to a death
the glass is half full, the heart half empty
sitting, staring for an eternity
the light dims, room engulfed by night
what may happen shouldn't feel right
all she wants is to disappear into the sea
waves crashing, setting her free
over the edge the irony of life can push
those who had but one wish
it is not granted, no love is made
so she vanishes
into the night she fades

Midlife Crisis

I just looked up midlife crisis in the dictionary:

A period of psychological doubt and anxiety that some people experience in middle age.

I love definitions. They define a term so well. Hehe.

I've been pretty consumed by this line of thinking for a couple/few months now. Seems since I will be turning 26 in about five days, my "doubt and anxiety" are taking on an even greater fervor.

This had been kicking around in my own head without anyone else's knowledge, and all of the sudden more and more people I know of (mainly who I read on-line) were bringing out these similar feelings. It doesn't seem to matter where a person is or what they have in their life, I'm seeing a certain ten year grey area of time for introspection.

My mom has recently told me that she had a period of "midlife crisis" at this very same point in life where I am. She brought it up, not me, so that added to the credibility of what she was saying since it was so coincidental. She told me that she had given birth to her two children, and apart from her family, she didn't have anything to show for herself. She said she had asked herself, "Is this it?" Man, that hit home.

Of course, don't get me wrong. My family is amazing and fulfilling and wonderful. My family is everything. Wouldn't trade them for anything. And yet, what about me? I have given and given, and I am afraid that I've given all of me away so that I don't know who I am anymore.

Right now I don't believe my family should define me as a whole. Who is the me who would have existed without them? Am I a worthwhile person of my own accord? What makes me happy? Sad? Intrigued? Not just what enjoyment or sorrow I get as a result of my husband's or my children's feelings. What do I want for the future when the kids are in school and the husband is at work, and I am left alone. Will I be afraid of myself? Is my life as I know it and the way I am now really it for me?

So, what can I do to make myself happy. I don't mean happy because the family is happy. I don't want to smile because they smile. Frown because they frown. I want the happiness to radiate from within myself. I'm waiting for that me to come out. I'm trying to find the real me so I will be a better person. For myself. And then my loved ones will be better for it as well.

I am a very nostalgic person. Although, I've figured out that my nostalgia is not for the way things were in my life before nor for people or places or events in my past. My nostalgia lies in how I was within myself at one time or another. I want to be happy with me, and there have been times in my life when I was happy [or at least ok] with me. So, how am I going to find that again?

I've been trying to be a bit more selfish with time for myself. Getting away from routine stress and figuring me out and all. As of late, I had come to the conclusion that I am a very impressionable person, and that bothers the hell out of me. I kind of think I know why this is. It goes back to my initial numb reaction to anything that occurs around me. I go numb, people around me react, they know immediately how they feel, and I am peppered by these people's thoughts and feelings before I am able to formulate my own opinion and emotion.

This can really be a bummer. I might see their side of things at the time and agree. Then my own adrenaline finally kicks in and, lo and behold, I actually have my own head on my shoulders. So, I have adopted this habit of always initially playing devil's advocate to anyone who has an opinion to impart to me. That way I can agree to disagree and then create my own untainted view on things. As a result, I am getting into more arguments now than I ever have in my entire life. Was I that much of a doormat?

I think I have digressed a bit.

So then, I suppose in putting my own opinions on the back burner for so long in an effort to cease and desist any turmoil or confrontation in life, I have failed to figure out who I am. I guess better late than never. I do like to understand and empathize will all sides, and yet I don't want to be walked over by people too much anymore either. I'll have to find a balance.

I dare say all of this could define a midlife crisis, couldn't it?

Oh yeah, I've also been repeatedly dreaming that I got a tattoo, and I really want a Mazda RX7. That's crazy to me because I've always been a truck/SUV kind of chick. These definitely qualify as midlife crisis yearnings.

Five days and counting. I won't be 25 and under anymore. I will be in the ranks of over 25.

I know. I'm not too sane.

I don't instigate! Honest!

I've decided to post my latest questionable female experience. This will be like the third or fourth post involving me relaying an occurrence of possibly being hit on by another chick. I don't think it's all in my imagination [I'd need to do some serious re-evaluations]. I can say that I don't instigate these happenings, I just must have some kind of weird magnetism [heh heh].

Picture me minding my own business at the pool [if you know what I look like that is - if you don't just make me look cute in your picturization]. Unlike the other times I had been at the pool, this day was rather busy. Most of the lounge chairs were occupied [keep this point in mind throughout the tale]. I was soaking in the rays when I spied out of the corner of my eye someone walking around from the other side of the pool [you know how you judge people in their swimsuits - don't say you don't].

I was expecting this cute, bikini clad, Asian girl to just keep on walking around the pool, but she deviated from the pool's edge and started walking towards me. So, I avert my eyes and act like I wasn't watching her or anything. I don't like when strangers walk up to me and ask me something. It's an anxiety thing. They will ask me something normal such as, "Do you have the time?" or "Would you like fries with that?" And I will panic and blurt, "The sky is blue!" and run away.

So, walking towards me was another embarrass myself opportunity. I couldn't hide either. She stops in front of my lounge chair, looks down with a big smile and says, "Will you rub lotion on me?" A tube of sun lotion was placed in my hand, and I unseeingly stared down at it for a split second. "Sure!" [Was no hesitation a bad thing? Nah! I was just being neighborly!]

And I commence in the lotion rubbing. Sorry to disappoint, but I felt like a geek. Standing there awkwardly rubbing on lotion like that. You would hope - lesbian or not - that you would feel hot doing something like that. She probably looked hot to everyone else. She gathered up all her hair and swung it to the side and kind of bent over to hold it all off her back. I, on the other hand, pushed the lotion tube too hard and blurped a huge pile onto my hand. I smeared it all over her back from neck to ass, and I ended up having to towel off half of it. Her back looked like some nerd's nose with a layer of white covering it.

She thanked me and continued to chat it up for like some twenty minutes. I was shuffling from foot to foot on the hot cement wondering what the hell she was babbling about. She was cool and nice though, and I ended up relaxing to the conversation about five minutes before she finally decided to go lay in the sun some more. She walked away and turned with a, "Hope to see you around the pool real soon!" [I watched off and on, and I never even saw her lay on her stomach to sun her back I had so painstakingly applied lotion to.]

My husband had been "dozing" in the sun a short distance away. When she walked off he opened his eyes and said, "Well, I can check fantasy #14 off my list as being fulfilled!"

Kissing Fools

What is it about this kissing stuff anyway? I don't care if I am weird, and yet I'd find it funny if anyone agreed with me here. I am a romantic and all. I think that the more subtle equals the more romantic. I don't need tongue in my mouth everyday. Intimate kisses on the lips, cheeks, neck, ear, etc. This I like. Wouldn't say I don't. It's appropriate for greeting your intimate other or saying goodbye. It's appropriate in the morning or evening and various times throughout the day.

On the other hand, I'm one who feels like kissing [of the french sort] is usually a lead to other things [of the more intimate sort]. That's cool too. When it's the appropriate time. Maybe I wasn't always the "making out" kind when dating. I know people who can "kiss for hours". Again, subtlety goes a long way with me. My low level intimacy preferences were usually in accordance with this.

It's not that if I was french kissed it automatically led to something else. I'm not that "easy". However, I didn't always enjoy the tongue in cheek - so to speak. I usually assumed that the thought process of the other person was leading to other areas, so I had an art of averting from the kiss of the french without it being too obvious to the kisser (unless the entire process was my idea - hee).

Hey, I can't help it if french kissing leads my own thoughts in a rather turned on direction. I don't like to be left hanging any more than the next person. So, why get all hot and bothered and the ends not justify the means when you can be just as loving and cuddly without the tongue?

I like to save my special kiss for special times. Is that so wrong? Not being particularly interested in the majority of kisses involving tongue has never meant I didn't really like the person. I've just come to the conclusion that I'm not so french obsessed in general [especially of the public sort].

I know I could get the comment, "You just hadn't had the right kisser, huh huh." I don't believe this for one minute. I've had some awesome kisses. Doesn't change the facts for me. I don't think it's because I am old and married either. I just don't have to have tongue everyday, and I don't think it's so wrong not to initialize it accept for those certain appropriate instances [of the most intimate sort].

Am I the only non tongue-obsessed female alive? Guess I can live with that.

Curiosity

I scored
66%
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!

Take the test here!

Poor Guy

Visiting my brother this evening was a bit of a bummer. Instead of being able to envelope him in good naturedness, I couldn't hardly filter out his blahness. He told me my kids were being bratty. Not that it wasn't true or anything, he just usually isn't that blunt. Also, he kept telling me, "Yep. This is it." "This is what you'd see at 9 a.m. or 1 p.m. or 5 p.m. or midnight." I looked around at the TV blaring, the darkened room and mom sitting on the couch, and I didn't know what to say. I knew he was glad for company, but it doesn't take away the fact of the matter.

He had been seeing this girl for the past six months seriously and for four months hanging out with the group and all before that. There are a whole plethora of posts I could publish about this girl, but I won't. From his point of view, she was his highschool sweetheart, and his first girlfriend. He treated her like a queen, and [from our point of views] she treated him like crap.

My own personal side note: I thought it would be the right thing to do to call this girl and let her know about my brother's wreck. I did so while we were at the hospital that day, and she had nothing to say to me regarding the matter. She also never went to the hospital, and she didn't call him until late the next night. Freak.

I found out today that she called my brother last night and broke the relationship off. Well, she said, "I just don't have the feelings for you I might have once had." So, with nothing left to say, they broke up. My brother is laying there with a fractured back, and this girl calls and does this. Okay.

Also, my brother is highly suspicious that this girl has been "hanging out" [i.e. "seeing"] this friend of his. Who so happens to be the guy who was driving the SUV the day of the wreck. Who also so happens to be the person who hasn't called to check on my brother and is obviously avoiding him altogether. Nice.

My dad is talking my brother into signing a claim to get compensated for doctor's bills, pain and suffering and other expenses (as in my mom having to take off work to care for him). I think some proverbial shit is about to hit some proverbial fan.

An insurance claim won't heal a broken heart.

So, I'm left with these burning questions: Do I snatch her eyeballs right out of her head like Uma did to Daryll in Kill Bill Vol. 2? Do I throw flaming sacks of dog poo at her front door? Do I simply burn her house down and be done with it?

[In case anything unfortunate happens to occur to this girl in the near future. That last paragraph was all in jest.]

The Aunt-In-Law

My husband's aunt is a missionary in Thailand. Even though she's lived there for forever, she believes she knows everybody's business back home. She doesn't know me, nor has she ever thought to ask what my religious background or beliefs are. I just must be unreligious and unholy because I don't do missionary work or something as she does.

She is on hiatus right now and back in Arkansas for a month or two. I've talked to her once or twice in my whole life (and she told me what I was doing wrong in my life each of those times). So, she decides to call my house in the middle of my uberstressing day yesterday. She asks what leads my husband has on the job front. I'm not wanting to discuss personal business with her, so I mutter something lame to move on. She asks, "Well, has he looked on the internet?" What? It's like 2004. Of course, he's looking across the internet.

Now the real kicker: "I know you will be angry with me for saying this, but you know he has not found a job because you all are not honoring the Lord." Oh, man. Again, she knows nothing about me. I was raised ultra-conservative Church of Christ. The Aunt and I then proceed to argue a few religious points (and I do NOT argue), and when she begins to feel a little less above me, she immediately cuts the conversation off.

"Well, anyway, I was just calling to let you all know I was back and safe and sound. I also want you to come get a box of stuff I've had here at my brother's since I was back last time (two years ago). I have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow, so tomorrow won't be convenient for me, but call me." Hmm, let me drop my two kids and run for 45 minutes now for something that didn't get to me two years ago.

So, I got off the phone, and when my husband woke up, I told him I'd had a revelation and knew why he hadn't gotten a job yet. When I told him why, he said, "Did my aunt call?" Wow. Apparently, years and years ago after my husband's first wife cheated on him, The Aunt called all the way from Thailand to tell him that if he himself had been "honoring the Lord" his wife wouldn't have transgressed. What?

My husband is off the charts angry at this point. The Aunt must really have a lot of nerve. We aren't exactly in need of lecture, but support as we are trying to do the best we can in life right now.

I just wanted to impart the knowledge to all that, faithful Christian or no, if tragedy has befallen on you, you must not be honoring the Lord.

HIP HIP HOORAY

As you can see below, the lady that I scribbled my e-mail address to at the Collective Soul concert really and truly sent the digitals to me!!!

I'm so excited! Some people are actually that cool. See how close we were?

Side note: A few of the photos I received were from back stage! I don't know whether to curse her or be in awe of her for getting to be backstage. I had wondered why she walked away after only a couple of songs.

Ed Roland of Collective Soul

Dean Roland of Collective Soul

Answer Me This

What is up with the nail clipper gremlins?

You know, I've bought at least 2,485,923 pairs of nail clippers in my life already. Can I invest in some nail clipper stock?

Where do the gremlins take them? I'm a little disconcerted at my vision of Clipper Land. Gremlins jumping off diving boards into pools of nail clippers. Gremlins gleefully sledding down hills of nail clippers. Gremlins chugging pilsners full of nail clippers.

Some nail clippers come with little chains when you buy them. You know the ones. I'm afraid to chain it onto something. What if when I wake up, not only are my nail clippers gone, but what I had them chained to has disappeared as well.

I just bought a new pair. I'm going to put them into a small box, tie that box up with ribbon, and keep it on me at all times. Soon I will open the box and check to see if the gremlins have studied up on Houdini.

Man, I'm sleepy.

New Orleans

Pieces Of You

Remember the night we first met? A mutual friend introduced us, you looked me up and down and thought I was a punk with my jersey and ball cap. And me, I was indifferent.

Remember our chats on-line? I poked fun at you (in a flirty way). And you, you thought I was a punk.

Remember that night at Chili's? I walked in and "blew you away" without my jersey and ball cap. You, in your black leather jacket and your hair all gelled up. Funny how we acted indifferent to one another.

Remember that time at Denny's? I drove all the way in the dead of night because that's what freaks do who work graveyard. We hugged in the parking lot (in a friendly way - you'd said you were contemplating a transfer to Chicago) and laughed later at how both of us had worried the other would find out we smoked. I hadn't known you wanted a kiss when I got in the truck.

Remember that day at the mall? It was the first time we really hung out (still in a friendly way). We walked around all day, and you bought me a $40 lava lamp. Then I wondered what this guy was all about.

Remember the next night? You wanted to go catch a movie. You took me to see Boogie Nights of all things. We sat close in the theater and stole glances at each other out of the corners of our eyes.

Remember that first kiss? You were the polite host and offered to get me a drink. I followed you into the kitchen, and at the refrigerator you suddenly turned and grabbed me and laid one on me. That's all it took, you know.

Remember my birthday that year? You bought me a jersey because all of the sudden I didn't look like such a punk in them anymore.

Remember that Thanksgiving? I came down with the flu and passed out on your bathroom floor. I couldn't get out of your bed for four days, and you slept on the couch and took care of me.

Remember when we made up? You'd cooled things off for awhile then out of the blue wanted me to come by "to get some stuff of yours I found". I walked in and you got on your knees and cried and told me you'd made a mistake. I hugged you, and I finally knew I would no longer have to pine over you anymore.

Remember when we ran away to the mountain top and said, "I do"? I had never before or since seen you so nervous. I have never before or since been so calm and collected. As is usual, you were the yang to my yin.

Remember New Orleans? I don't. Just kidding. That was a blast.

Remember when we looked down at the little pregnancy strip and saw the line appear? You didn't believe it. I had to go to the doctor for you to believe it. The next day it was confirmed and you left work to come home and hug me in the driveway.

Remember when our son was born? I like the fact that you passed out.

Remember working and living overseas without us? We've made it through the years of separation. We are still going strong.

Remember showing me around our little Polish apartment? Konner and I finally went overseas with you. You were so funny going from room to room in your pointing out this and that detail kind of way. We were all together as a family.

Remember taking me to see the snow in Prague? The sun in Tunisia?

Remember finding out I was pregnant with a girl? You smiled and said, "Well, I've done my job."

Remember when she was born? We looked down at her precious face and said, "Wow, we've gone and done it again."

Remember Konner counting the days until you came home from Poland? Zero became his favorite number. Mine too.

Remember how much I love you? Because I do. And it's more than words. It's memories etched in time.

These are my pieces of you. And I like the puzzle putting them together creates.

The K Spot

June 28, 2004

$$$

Fear Of Fear Itself

June 21, 2004

Waiting

June 20, 2004

Simply A Poem

June 17, 2004

Midlife Crisis

June 16, 2004

I don't instigate! Honest!

June 14, 2004

Kissing Fools

Curiosity

June 09, 2004

Poor Guy

June 08, 2004

The Aunt-In-Law

June 05, 2004

HIP HIP HOORAY

June 03, 2004

Answer Me This

June 02, 2004

Pieces Of You

About Me

Previous Posts

Archives